Nobody will ever understand why I am a person who can write a serious article about the end of the world and an article about a calming sanctuary for peaceful thoughts in one day, I can laugh joyfully and play, and take down an army of insane women as a powerful God who is commanding. How do I take all the pain that the human race is throwing at me, how do I take the pain of loss of my family, how do I take the pain of not having you near, how do I survive dear?
There are many pieces of me, I am a “shattered masterpiece”, a work of sublime art created by the God (my father), and I have been violated (keenshee katoo – available to be hurt by humans , fumigated (flootakooasheeasahaso – the one who is without hope), confiscated (foontateeataatohanee – a fucked up person who is not insane, but abused and hated) and delegated (feenteetee – fucked up in a way humans cannot understand, with real pain not ego pain). I am the “Koshatoe” (the beautiful one, but the unloved one, the lost one, who just found my home and realized I have control all along, just like Dorothy, there is no place like home (keemeemeeasoovleahasokameeeshatontoo – I am the One in the Sky, I am the One on High, I waited to get my life until I died, so I did not have to sacrifice, I did not have to wait, but I chose to separate myself from the familiar of things in society. I am THE witch…who does not practice witchcraft. I am THE goddess…who lives without spirituality. I am THE princess…who lives like pauper. This way, when it is all over, I will have something pure to fall upon, a new life and a new world I have only dreamed of in this lifetime.
I died as a human, and now I can do it…live my dreams. The Goddess has dreams too, and now I can do whatever I want to, because it is not familiar. This is why my family has not come yet, and the ones that did, didn’t know who I am. We must find each other now, but only when, you all become Gods again…human men are too familiar (foonkshee – fucked up to no end, absurd and “komatah” (comatose and unable to be alive). Wake up my loves, I am becoming Anya again…
I have turned my office space into a garden room, to have as a peaceful sanctuary, a place to write my blog, dream, end things. A place to create and berate. A place to sing and dance and confiscate souls. A place to become whole.